With Every Season...

Happy Autumn! 

With new seasons, come new beginnings. 

I am so grateful for the peace and calm 

that fall has already delivered  to my head and my heart. 

image

Here's to hay rides and spiked cider, 

pumpkin picking and catching falling leaves.

xo

Summer’s End, and a Milestone

Mother Nature graced us with a fairly fogless summer in San Francisco; 

a real treat for those of us who savor the sun.

I was traveling more this summer than in those past, 

and that may explain why I feel like the season came and went in a snap.

I journeyed to the quiet of the mountains and dove into shockingly icy lakes.

I conquered one of the most intimidating climbs; 

 during which, my legs felt like jell-o and my mind wasn’t so certain, 

but with the encouragement from friends we crowned ourselves Half Dome Heroes,

taking in the panorama of Yosemite from what felt like the top of the world.

I hosted my little sister’s first trip to the shining seas of the Pacific.

Having her here granted me the gift of seeing my city through fresh eyes; 

it was darn near perfect.

I met friends in Southern California, 

here we ate seafood plucked straight from the ocean at which we gazed. 

We goofed around and reverted back to behavior from our collegiate days- 

a time in our lives which feels too far away in the past to be true.

Independence day brought me back to the mountains that now have taken permanent residence in my heart. 

We boated and basked and made questionable choices

but those after all, almost always result in the most fun. 

Dance-offs were danced, love was professed, speeches were made, adventures were had. 

image is my own

And then came the celebrations! 

Two summer weddings, one on the New England coastline, 

and the other nestled in the heart of Wine Country.

 I felt so lucky to play witness to joyful, blissful love.

Another guest came west in all her glowing glory. 

We dined like queens and drank like Kings. 

Together we marveled at the beauty of Northern California’s rolling vineyards.

And now, here we are. 

It’s been a goofy final month of summer: full of peaks and pits, chaos and calm.

There are many unknowns and even more ‘unsaids,’ 

some of which are up to me, but others, to the universe.

I’m closing out the summer with a few celebrations of my own. 

 I’m turning thirty.

And while I anticipated feeling a certain way about the milestone,  

 I actually don’t feel that way at all. 

And here’s the secret:

I look back on all the things that I’ve done and all the sites that I’ve seen. 

All the places I’ve gone, and the company that I've kept.

I think of the friends and family that have traveled across the country.

 And the friends that are right here in California,

who turn ordinary days into extraordinary.

I am blessed and humbled and incredibly grateful for the summer outlined above. 

To me, it reads like a great book...and I can’t believe it’s my great life.

Thank you all,  for making it so.

Here’s to thirty!

xo

On August...

I’ve always loved August. 

I love the soupy air and the lazy afternoon light that casts a hazy glow on mossy slate patios 

and algae speckled docks.

August is... forgiving. 

It gently lends us the excuse to move a little more slowly,

to linger a little longer after late dinners outdoors. 

August allows for a messy tangle of overgrown plants with droopy, heavy buds.

Whereas June and July bring a flurry of activity, 

August says there is nothing wrong spending an entire afternoon reading in the yard, 

with the summer symphony of buzzing insects and sprinklers in the background.

A friend said she felt August quickened her return to the fall too hastily- but I disagree. 

I think it ushers us into the new season with a calm and seamless ease,

not nearly as abrupt as the turnover into winter.

 

image is my own

 August is filled with trips to places I’ve been countless times before- but always hope to return again. 

My usual adventure-seeking spirit longs for the familiar by summer’s end.

 I’ll be spending the final dog days of August back on the east coast: 

no work; no worries; minimal scheduled plans.  

 It’s been a continuous string of summer weekends filled with guests, weddings, and weekend road trips- 

all of these preceded by work weeks that felt much, much too chaotic for the summer months. 

I’ve tried to mask the more recent stresses of my job as best I could--my poor parents the sole recipients of painful, anxiety laden daily accounts of the day.

I have faith that the choices I am making will help spark change soon enough. 

Until then, I am looking forward to long days and warm nights 

and falling asleep to the sound of the katydids chirping in the moonlight. 

Wishing you all lazy August days...

Always on My Mind...

"If this [points to heart]

is empty,

this [points to head]

doesn't matter."
-Dicky Fox, Jerry Maguire-
I'm just...
trying to figure some stuff out.
The truth is; 
 I've been dancing till the stars turn dizzy,
but all the while in the back of my head
I have this one pulsing thought.
It's constant-but not nagging.
In fact, over the months I've tamed it to be more of a dull, glowing ember.  
And before that's all it was.
It was just a thought. Just a few words that were put out into the universe
and I should've seen this coming -but I didn't.
And now the levy of time has grown tired and impatient
and there are real, definitive choices I am being pushed to make.

image is my own
 Can I be honest?
The thought- this one particular pulsing thought-
 is always, always on my mind.
And...
and even though on most days I have to hold my hands over my mouth to stop from shouting,
'I am living the best life!!!'
(because er, that might come across as gloating)
 I'm still nervous and uncertain and I don't feel compelled one way or the other
except when I feel totally and completely compelled in every way there is to be a way!
Whew.
It's exhausting, isn't it?
To have what feels like a secret [pointing to my head]in here,
 that this [pointing to my heart]
just can't work out. 
xo

Pardon the Pause...

Forgive me of my lack of posts as of late. 

I've been working hard- and playing even harder. 

I've been bouncing about 

and journeying any which way the wind blows.

image is my own

But isn't that the greatest luxury of summer?

 I hope you'll join me in lake jumping and sun chasing. 

Until next time...

Speak soon, friends! 

xo

A Little on My Mind, as of Late

My plane touched down last night to a calm and quiet California coastline.

I love the drive from the airport back home in the still of the night.

Even on the highway you can hear the waves of the bay lapping up against the rocks.

Paradoxically, the ride from Manhattan out to the airport leaves me feeling very blue.

 I usually spend this trip staring silently out the window,

 watching the city on my right shrink smaller and smaller against the skyline.

It’s like saying goodbye to someone you love, with no set plans to reunite- the worst kind of heartache.

Last night, it felt tremendous to turn the key, push open the door, and walk back into my apartment.

By the week’s end in New York, I was ready to come home.

(West Coast home Dad, if you’re reading this.)

I slept the entire flight- and actually most of the cab ride to JFK-both very rare occurrences for me.

I guess after a week back east there was no more party in me, and I succumbed to a still and quiet slumber.

In books and in movies people often struggle with the notion of loving two people at once.

But sometimes...sometimes I ask myself,

‘Is it possible? Is it possible to love two places at once?’

 ‘Does one’s heart have the capacity? The depth and the space to accommodate such devotion?’

Whenever I leave New York I feel a pit in my belly, like I swallowed a stone.

I feel like stammering out of the cab window,

‘It’s not you, New York! You did nothing, nothing wrong.

 It’s me! I’m all mixed up inside. Please, please don’t forget me.’

And steady as she is, New York opens her arms and embraces me-- each and every return trip I make.

No judgments.

No questions.

 Just a fond and understanding hug.

I am grateful for the patience and affection.

But sometimes it fuels my guilt for leaving.

 

image unknown 

While New York is like the old love that will always take me back;

San Francisco seems to be the city I just can’t seem to shake.

Bennett croons he left his heart here, and I think mine is very much understanding the appeal.

Life out West is a perpetual Never Never Land.

 It’s a cool older brother and ‘the one’ you hope never gets away.

It’s James Franco and a dream.

San Francisco and me?

We’re having a grand old time, coasting along and hand plucking adventures,

just as one chooses oysters a la carte.

The things I’ve accomplished in my life that I am most proud of?

Well, those have happened here, mostly.

That’s quite a mighty confession, I know.

I’ve done a lot of growing up. Conquered a lot of fears.

Plus, it smells really, really good here.

Like juniper and eucalyptus and honeysuckle all the time.

So I don’t know.

I’m either a really good candidate, or not cracked up at all, for love affairs.

Because this here and there mumbo jumbo can take quite a toll on this crimson heart of mine.

Maybe  one day, on one coast, the romance will fizzle,

but until then…

A life in love and limbo is what I lead.

xo

First Day of Summer

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, 

just as things grow in fast movies, 

I had that familiar conviction 

that life was beginning over again with the summer.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald,  The Great Gatsby 

Kennedy Family, August 1963 

Happy First Day of Summer, friends!

Wishing you beach breezes, 

warm nights spent under the stars,

campfires and s'mores and firefly catching. 

Speak soon.

xo