America, The Beautiful.

On Tuesday morning

from a hotel room in Denver,

when the country was still waking

and the energy at the polls was just starting to pulse,

I shared my thoughts about Election Day. 

 How I appreciated the camaraderie of the occasion 

regardless of political affiliation. 

I acknowledged the strains that accompanied the day.

Some people would feel victorious, 

others defeated.

I encouraged friends, no matter the results of the day

 to remember the good stuff. 

To remember the power behind

 our individual passions but also our shared privilege.

But I didn't anticipate the result. 

And I wasn't prepared for just how heartbreaking

'defeated' could actually feel.

And it's not just him over Her. 

I mean, it is but - 

- but it's more the overwhelming 

sadness and shame and guilt I feel that people in our country 

feel so broken and tired and angry and a lot of us 

didn't hear it. Or see it. 

Or worse we did, but... we didn't believe it.

I didn't at least.  

That's a tough pill to swallow today.

The fact that we let each other down.

I understand people feeling divided. 

And I support honoring our feelings 

as we make sense of all of this.

 I hope we can do this with kindness and with empathy.

 I said this Tuesday morning, and I'll say it again: 

The sunflowers will still turn towards the sun. 

The redwoods will still stretch to the sky. 

Rivers will run and birds will circle 

and we'll continue to take deep breaths and fill our lungs with air. 

Everyday the sun will set and it will rise again. 

And the stars will always be up there - even if clouded over.

And the best part is - 

Those things? 

Those beautiful things that make up America?

They belong to all of us. 

And no one can take that away.

xox

The Final Journey of 2015

In a few short days,

I'll be looking up at a whole new set of stars.

Piecing together constellations in the southern hemisphere,

staring at the sky from a different corner of the world, 

in awe.

A full moon. 

On Christmas. 

I can think of few better ways 

to celebrate the end of the year,

and the beginning of a new one.

I'll be splashing around on the shores of Australia, 

awaiting news from home on the arrival 

of my niece or nephew.

And with that,

It will have been a year

 that feels complete.

There were moments so joyful,

I wanted to call in the trumpeters 

and pound on a snare drum

and dance until the tread on my shoes wore thin! 

And yes, there were times during which 

the noises of day were replaced

with a sterile silence.

Sometimes, that's just the way a day goes. 

And you know. That's okay. 

I learned that in order to welcome in the new:

new love, new friends, 

new growth, new appreciations;

you have to make space by 

emptying out the stuff that doesn't 

fill you up anymore.

After all, what good is a heart that has

 reached maximum capacity, 

if the existing thoughts and feelings 

inhabiting it are stale?

There's just no time for that.

Make the space for a full heart. 

xo

A note, about feeling grateful.

I’ve been having trouble expressing myself
the way that I want to lately. 

And I think that’s because 

there are so many words that,

for a number of different reasons, 

I’ve chosen not to say.
I think it's human nature to hold back sometimes.

We convince ourselves that too much time has gone by,

or we fear that we may come across as impolite, or inconvenient.

We, or at least I,
 let other people’s opinions of a scenario leave me thinking  

that maybe my feelings aren’t valid,

or that I am being overly sensitive.

My whole life I feel like

I’ve been told to stop being so sensitive.

But for me, that’s like being told

‘Oh just stop feeling.’

And see – I feel too deeply.
It isn't feeling sad or glum,
it's almost feeling too aware.

I’ve felt this way ever since I was a little girl.

I have all of these feelings

and ideas and thoughts 

and they ping pong around in my head all day.

Happy thoughts, nervous thoughts, curious thoughts.

And so when someone says I just need to get over it,

well that’s like telling me not to breathe, or blink.

It’s just not possible for me.  

And I realize saying this  

might make people uncomfortable.

Because vulnerability can be that way. 

Speaking our truths can be pretty uncomfortable.

Over the weekend, I found myself in a conversation

with someone who reminded me

of the healing powers of self-expression.

And even if, for whatever reason,

we can’t physically say the things we want to say,  

we have to get the words or the thoughts out of our bodies

and into the universe.

We have to remove the negative energy from inside of us

so that it doesn’t manifest itself into physical pain.

This idea comforted me.

And I went from feeling a little anxious,

to feeling brave.

And validated.

And timely.

And convenient

and polite.

I felt the opposite of all the feelings that caused self-doubt.

I felt grateful.

xox

A Wish, For You.

Tonight at sundown, marked the holiest of holidays in Judaism.

It is a day about saying you are sorry. 

And asking for forgiveness. 

Sorry in itself is such a small word, 

but it has such a big impact. 

Just think about all of the little hurts we carry around;

the weight of them on our hearts when piled up.

Many of these could likely have been eliminated 

if a simple "I'm sorry" had been extended.

I was raised in a loving, liberal home, 

in which my parents shared traditions

from both their religious backgrounds.

Beliefs and rituals weren't pressed on us.

We weren't a church or synagogue family. 

In truth, I identify more closely 

with my exposure to Unitarianism,

but there is something about this day in particular 

that I find really meaningful. 

You don't have to be religious at all

to reflect upon your actions of the past

and to be mindful 

to make everything right in your world -

if only for the day. 

And that goes both ways. 

Today is about looking inward more so than out.

This is a powerful exercise - 

and one that I find very rewarding. 

And so...

As my dad wished to me, 

I wish for all of you:

Happiness, health and love. 

xo

A birthday note, to self

This next year, remember...

There will be days dripping in gold,

and others that are just okay,

and some that are pretty terrible.

Try not to be too scared when the ‘terribles’ come along.

Maintain a positive spirit and a kind heart.

Quiet the ill-intended.

Work through the insecurities.

Don’t let anyone mistake being kind, as being weak.

Take care of your body.

Find something that compels you, 

and dedicate time to learning more about it. 

Don’t be so grumpy about the crumbs around the apartment.

The causer of the crumbs makes you really, really happy.

Be someone who, when mentioned in conversation,

is described as good.

Call home. Call sisters. Send letters.

Let friends know you're thinking of them.

Be a #1 aunt.

Keep travelling. Keep adventuring.

Maybe figure out how to get a dog.

Do the best you can this year.

And have the very best time doing it.

Memories in the Attic

I was home in Connecticut about a month ago

spending time with my family,

paying the neighborhood donkeys a visit,

giving Little Cat scratches behind her ear. 

During my trip

I got baited into sorting through 

old bins and dusty boxes from our attic. 

I guess our sweet old house 

needs a sturdy new roof

and with that, 

the odds and ends 

and treasures that have accumulated 

over the years and grown comfortable and settled 

among old winter coats and broken lacrosse sticks -

Well. Their worth was being reevaluated. 

Cue almond-sized Emily tears
of panicky separation anxiety.
I sat for nearly 4 hours
and read through old love letters,
remembering the innocence of middle school crushes
and the romance that unfolded
on loose leaf paper.
I flipped through yearbooks and scrapbooks,
pausing on a page occasionally.
I wonder what happened to him?
Did she ever become a vet?
Daring myself to remember the exact layout
of my camp cabin,
the familiar smell of my elementary school,
the first kisses and heartbreaks,
high school victories and schoolyard gossip.
I thumbed through old exams
and high school essays.
Mix-tapes and photo collages,
friendship bracelets and old movie ticket stubs.

And cards.
So many cards.
Dozens and dozens and dozens of cards.
Which is funny because, I write and send a lot of cards.
 I never really linked the boxes
filled with cards in my parents attic
to my present day pleasure
of writing someone a card.
I scanned old letters marked AIRMAIL
sent from my childhood friend in England.
I chuckled.
The updates we deemed worthy
of a cross-continental journey.
An inquiry about my doll,
sent over oceans and mountain ranges.
Funny; sweet.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
I wished every question
were as simple as such.
Birthday wishes from my grandparents -
long before I reached double digits.
Words of encouragement from my dad:
I'm so proud of the woman you are becoming.
'Just Because' notes, from my mom,
with water colored scenes of desert cacti,
and smiling kittens.
When did I grow from child to adult?
From handwritten cards
with googly eyed dinosaurs and juggling bears,
to emails, littered with entitlement
and laced with stubborn pride?
Did it happen overnight, under a full moon?
Or was it more gradual,
as the leaves changed and days shortened.
I considered it briefly,
shrugged my shoulders and began to
decide what stays and what goes.
What memories to keep,
and which to part with.
It was cathartic;
the flood of the past,
and then their quick release.
But I kept all the cards.
Every single one.
xo

Word Drops

Last night we watched the sweetest short film.

It was centered around the theme of people 

entering and exiting our lives,

and how the abrupt shifts in those relationships

ultimately can become a catalyst for a bigger change.

It showcased the difficulty associated 

with someone you love leaving you;

be it platonic love, parental love, romantic love.

And it made me think.

And it made me feel.

And it made me cry.

Dean asked if it was a sad cry or a happy one, and I couldn't really tell.

I think it was a mixture of both.

I had been wanting to share an update on the blog for a while now –

but  each time I sat down to write

the words tasted stale and tinny in my mouth, 

like chewing on aluminum.

I'm not sure why.

And then last night we watched this little movie

and it made all the words floating around in my head

drip out of me in the form of salty tears.

It felt pretty good – to release those tears,

 the happy and the sad mixing together.

It was like I could see the words that were stuck in my head,

roll down my cheeks in liquid word drops: 

‘disappointed.’ ‘nostalgic.’ ‘comforted.’ ‘unsure.’ ‘loved.’

Sometimes you just need a little cry I guess.

Followed by a kiss on the forehead and the switch of a lamp.

Here’s to a gentle and happy Tuesday, friends.

xo

On Being Brave

John Wayne said that courage is being scared to death,

but saddling up anyway. 

Well.
I didn't. 

Last night, I wanted to be brave. 

But I wasn't. 

I found myself caught off guard.
 I'd like to say that my response to the scenario was selfless -
that I reacted in a way that would
ultimately spare some discomfort.
But I still felt like a chicken.

Here's what I earned though:
No matter how much you prepare,
some circumstances are going to be a little scary.
And after the initial jolt,
a long walk on a cold night can do wonders for the nerves.
So can a slice of pizza.
And a phone call to someone who loves you.
Followed by a long hug and a deep sigh.
And the promise that tomorrow will be better.
Braver.
and good.

Winter Solstice Wishes

Today, the sun dips to it's lowest point in the sky,

giving us a delayed dawn and an early sunset.

Happy Winter Solstice. 

From here on out, every day moving forward will be a bit brighter. 

In a few short days, I'll have my feet in the sand 

and my face towards the sun.

Christmas spent by the Caribbean Sea.

I. Can't. Wait.

I'm appreciative of the growth and 

self awareness the past 12 months brought,

but am very much forward facing to the New Year. 

As I consider this past year,

I was encouraged and inspired by most.

Loved and supported by many.
Disappointed by few.

I'm content with that breakdown. 

I don't typically count blessings.

I am more of a 'thank my lucky stars' type of gal. 

So ultimately, I send 2014 off with a kiss and a fond goodbye.

And as we usher in 2015, 

I will look up towards a sky full of big, bright, beautiful stars. 

I wish the very same for each and all of you. 

xo

Autumn's Pause

I've wanted to share an update for a long time now.

But see,  there were dance floors to shimmy on, 

and giant sequoias to gape at.

There were trails on which to get my shoes dusty

 And too many big moon nights, requiring the attention of my eyes.

There were hawks – darting in and out of the shadows of the trees that begged me to spot them.

There were meals to share, introductions to be made; glasses to clink.

There were old friends, who had to meet new.

There was Manzanita-scented air, inhaled deeply into my lungs.

And shooting stars, tallied from the bottom of Yosemite valley, my parents by my side.

And sure, there were moments where there was nothing at all.

But that’s what I needed.

Just a quiet corner, and the pleasure of visiting with people that didn't require an explanation.

There were scenarios where words were fumbled, and hearts ached.

Where I felt anger rise from my feet and heat up my cheeks.

And then of course, there were instances of the purest joy,

with honey-coated whispered words, so sweet and true.

There were simple moments, really.

But they were mine.

Happy Autumn, until we speak again, friends. 

To August, With Love

I always write of August. 

Likely because it is my birthday month, 

it is August during which I am most nostalgic and reflective. 

I think of stretches of summer days
spent in Maine with my family, 

and long lazy weekends at the beach with girlfriends. 

I have great memories of swapping stories
and sipping beers with friends, 

late into the humidity of the night back east.

Of sun burnt skin, salt water kayaking and backyard lounging.

A friend recently told me, I often update Big Moon Sky in moments of worry, or apprehension.

And to some extent, this is true.

It is easier for me to process moments of worry through writing, 

and so the blog becomes an outlet for those instances.

But it's all shooting stars and sunshine in this post folks! 

image is my own

This summer has been a real slam dunk. 

A string of weekends up in Tahoe -
barbecuing at the base of the river, 

night skies so bright with stars,
 I have to pinch myself to believe its real. 

Dancing in Golden Gate Park with my little sister, 

with flowers in our hair.and smiles on our faces.

Days with my toes dangling from the edge of a boat, 

cheering on friends and clinking glasses towards the sun.

Sunday cocktails and home cooked meals, enjoyed in the backyard of friends.

Nights filled with music and spontaneity - a new feature in my world. 

And goats. So many goats. 

I am quite content these days. 

A steady sunbeam of happy. 

A constant stream of giggles.

And its the best. 

xo

Lessons From the Night Sky

My dad was visiting this past week; it was so fun having him here.
His trip was impromptu, and I didn't plan much, but we ended up doing  the coolest thing.
Every Saturday of a New Moon, Mt. Tamalpais hosts star gazers to check out the night sky through the astronomy club's telescopes.
This past Saturday was a clear, cool night
and eventually twilight started to give way,
and the stars began to pop.
We climbed a ladder to a giant telescope and saw a star mass-
a big cluster of millions of stars swirling around the sky.
We were shown a star that had burnt up and died -
leaving a hole in it's middle, clouded in a light blue hue. Sad.
We saw Scorpion's tail -
a constellation only visible in the summer months.
We peered through two different telescopes
to catch a glimpse of Saturn.
It looked like a little video game icon, but you could clearly see it's rings. Awesome.

We traced the outline of the Big Dipper and paused to stare at The North Star.

 Did you know, The North Star holds steady as the entire northern sky rotates around it?
I think that's so romantic. And amazing. That mighty North Star.

Waiting for the stars on top of Mt. Tam
Every few minutes, the astronomers would step in and readjust the lens and positioning of the telescopes.
So much movement, both in the sky and on earth, the stars and planets easily jump out of view.

My dad and I were speaking with one of the astronomers as the telescope was realigned,
and he said something that really struck me.
He remarked that we know so much about the ground we walk on,
and yet, the sky remains a mystery to so many people.
Rarely, do we ever look up.
And we should!
 Because it's the same sky up there, night after night.
If you ever feel a little lonely, take comfort in the fact that there is familiarity up above.

The same old smattering of stars, to help guide you on your way.
I thought a lot about this the remainder of the weekend.
There are so many things I am excited about in my life right now...
but simultaneously, these things bring confusion.
And there are variables that cloud my view.
It's hard to navigate, and I wish I had the patience of an astronomer.
But sometimes, just  like with the telescope, you have to let things settle a bit
before you can see what your looking for with a clear eye.
Happy star watching, friends.
xo

Goodnight, Moon

Last night, I set out to chase the moon.  

I didn't know if the blood moon would live up to its name, and I didn't want to be disappointed.

But it did. And I wasn't.

The stars even got a little jealous of the magic of the moon last night,  because a couple of them decided to shoot across the sky – daring us to take our eyes off of the eclipse.

We had to cross the bridge and climb up through the fog to lasso it.

That pesky marine layer put up a good fight, but we ended up finding the perfect spot in a quiet little park at the base of the bay.

(image is my own)

Sky gazing can make you feel so small I suppose, when you start to think about the universe stretching on forever.  

But, it didn't make me feel insignificant at all.

Don’t laugh at me. But I felt really connected to the universe. Connected and curious.

And I felt a sort of comfort, thinking about all of the other people bundled up and bleary-eyed, craning their necks up to look at the exact same moon, at the exact same time, 

well passed our bedtimes.

This big old orange moon, commanding the attention of everyone’s eyes – gently pulling us in closer.

It’s kind of a nice thought, right?  

Wishing you the galaxy and beyond.

xo

With Arms Outstretched

Spriiiiiiiiing! 

The word itself sounds happy. And bouncy. And light.

Last night, I dreamt that piles of flowers

came pouring from the sky.

Big cheerful petals and blossoms. 

They fell gentle, on my chest. 

With arms outstretched, and up towards the sun:

This is how I welcome April.

(image is my own) 

Winter. 

You taught me lessons I never wanted to learn. 

Although, I am grateful that I did. 

You showed me the value of people. 

Who listened.

Without consequence or judgement. 

Without impatience or skepticism. 

They let words and worries tumble out of me, 

many of which had sour notes.

And they didn't rush to make things sweeter. 

Instead, they let me empty every last thought.

And slowly, 

this anchor I'd been dragging started to rust away. 

It makes me happy. And bouncy. And light. 

Happy Spring. 

xo

Adventure is Calling

My eyes need a sky full of stars,

my lungs, the deep inhale of sea salt air.

My legs crave the ache of a long day on a dusty trail.

And my skin, the comfort of the desert sun.

Once, I told my little sister that I wished I could go hug a saguaro.

Well, I would tomorrow if I could,

and tell all my secrets to the trees. 

I whispered some wishes to the bay today,

but it didn't quite wash away the nagging need for an adventure.

image unknown

If my grandma had been walking with me,

I am quite certain she'd give my hand a squeeze 

and pose the familiar question, 

'A penny for your thoughts?' 

Oof. So many. 

And so. It's time to plan a trip. 

One for mind, body and spirit. 

Adventure is calling, friends.

And I must go.

Stay tuned.

xo

A Year. In Review.

It will be a quiet close to a relatively quiet year.
Some years are packed with adventures, some are a bit more calm.
2013 was on the calmer side of the spectrum. 

Sure, there are some things I would've done differently. 

The usual things, mostly.

I meant to read more books,
and spend less time in front of the computer.

I didn't ride my bike as much as I daydreamed about, 

or keep as many appointments at the gym that I intended too. 

I continued to throw out dishes that I didn't feel like washing when they piled up. 

Probably should have flossed more regularly also.
The good news is, those are all habits that can be remedied
once I throw them on the ol' resolutions list.
 And for the instances that I had less control over,
the unexpected loss of a job,
the unimaginable compromise of a friend's safety,

the hanging around,waiting too long for someone to realize how amazing I thought they were... 

to realize, how amazing they think I am...

Those situations made my heart ache.

But then,
there were the moments that caused it to swell.
I swam in a lot of rivers,
and I hiked a whole bunch of mountains.
I hugged the biggest redwood tree I ever saw,
counted endless shooting stars as they streaked the night sky.
I got a new job, representing a company that I love.
I danced to some really good music.
I made some new friends, and I tried some new foods.
I saw my first bald eagle circle above me on a crisp fall day.
 I watched my hard work unfold as an entire city and all of it's citizens
came together for the ultimate act of kindness,
in helping a little boy's wish come true.
And so it is.
I'll plot more adventures for 2014,
but I chalk this year up to being 'pretty darn good.'
Happy Christmas.
Happy year end, friends.
xo

Snooty Tuesday, on Wednesday.

Yesterday I was in a mood. And let me tell you - not even an adorable puppy could drag me out of it. 

I wanted to punch and fling things. 

A friend and I call this the 'Snooty Tuesdays,' 

regardless of the day of the week.

And then, when someone told me I made their heart smile, 

I just felt like an asshole.

So it was by the grace of good friends, the grinning heart comment and a very thin veil of pragmatism, 

that I resisted the urge to do the following:

• Dramatically swipe all of the contents on my desk from its’ surface, sending a flurry of office supplies and energy bars into the air to the shock and bewilderment of coworkers.
• Buy a gigantic, extra-thick strawberry milkshake, remove the cover and splash it directly into a very specific person’s face.  (Basically, reenacting the scene from Grease except that this action would be premeditated on my part, not an impulsive reaction by Rizzo.)
• Smash my cell phone with a hammer with one swift blow.

(72 min. creation, by me)

I didn't do any of those things…so that’s good. 

Things I did instead:

• Re-watched a bunch of David Blaine YouTube videos from his celebrity TV special and settled on the conclusion that yes, Woody Allen probably does make his own malteds – which is adorable – and second,  that I need some DB ‘merch’ for Christmas. I proclaimed this need to the entire office. It was received with uncomfortable laughter and shifty eyes.
• Spent 72 minutes trying to figure out/remember how to insert text on top of a photo in power point. I do not know how to bill this hour and 12 minutes. It should be noted that the determination to succeed here was driven by self-serving reasons, as the project was personal and not client related.
• Invented a brand spanking new rendition of my popular workout series, “living room interval training,” where I do a bunch of weird, made-up exercises inspired by stuff I vaguely remember from my high school gym class elective: weight room. So, basically I gossiped to myself as I did calf raises and leg lifts. 

Today's better. Tomorrow's Friday.

I head home for Thanksgiving early next week. 

Things are looking up! 

Here's to smiling hearts and a weekend full of gratitude. 

xo

So Long, October

How is it already the end of October? 

I swear, time ticks by faster on the west coast. 

It's been a mix of calm and chaos - without much of a middle ground. 

Some months are like that I suppose, 

but all I wanted for fall is for things to hold steady. 

Did you know that autumn represent wisdom and maturity? 

 I don't feel either of those things at all really. 

My feelings have been mixed up all month,

 making me feel a little confused and foolish.

photo is my own

I think it's tied to the notion of letting go.

Letting go of pain points at work. 

Letting go of circumstances that don't pan out as planned.

Letting go of the questions without answers...

That's hard for me. 

I'm no good with the act of releasing.

I cling to the things that I invest in,

and fiercely 'miss' the expectations that fall flat. 

I bless and let go and then er, I take it all back and try it again. 

You can't say I'm not persistent! 

But there comes a time when one has to step forward and move on. 

In November, I'll do better. 

Have a wonderful weekend my friends. 

Enjoy these last few days of October,

 both the calm and the chaotic. 

xo

 

Chasing Sunsets

Last night, after I got home from work I had a lot on my mind. 

I could have easily sunk onto the couch 

but I needed fresh air and went out for a run.

Rather than run along the water, I decided to take the upper route through a neighborhood of big old rambling houses and sidewalks lined with trees with knotted branches and hot pink blooms.

The sky was starting to show signs of a beautiful sunset, 

and I wanted to chase it.

About halfway to the sky, I stopped to look out towards the bay and watch the clouds turn sorbet peach, pink and orange. 

A guy about my age was admiring the view too.

He was handsome. Settled in his stance. 

 He stepped towards me, explaining he had flown into San Francisco earlier that afternoon, 

but had to get to Humboldt County 

and was in need of directions to the train.

What he was doing – high above the city in this quiet, sleepy neighborhood – I don’t know. 

I talked him through his route. 

I explained that it was simple enough but would take him awhile, and dusk was quickly escaping into dark.  

His disposition was confident and kind with a soft-spoken voice.

The type of temperament that someone who relies on the guidance and help from strangers would have.  

When I told him it might take a bit of time to make his way downtown for the next leg of his journey, 

he responded that he had to walk, and that he didn't mind the dark or the cool air – his only degree of accountability was that he had to be at the next spot at six am.

And I loved him for that response.

And I envied him for his freedom to roam the open road.

Nothing to do but walk and watch and explore – 

all through the night with the simple task of getting to the next destination.

And then doing it all over again.

Happy trails to you, stranger.