A Year. In Review.

It will be a quiet close to a relatively quiet year.
Some years are packed with adventures, some are a bit more calm.
2013 was on the calmer side of the spectrum. 

Sure, there are some things I would've done differently. 

The usual things, mostly.

I meant to read more books,
and spend less time in front of the computer.

I didn't ride my bike as much as I daydreamed about, 

or keep as many appointments at the gym that I intended too. 

I continued to throw out dishes that I didn't feel like washing when they piled up. 

Probably should have flossed more regularly also.
The good news is, those are all habits that can be remedied
once I throw them on the ol' resolutions list.
 And for the instances that I had less control over,
the unexpected loss of a job,
the unimaginable compromise of a friend's safety,

the hanging around,waiting too long for someone to realize how amazing I thought they were... 

to realize, how amazing they think I am...

Those situations made my heart ache.

But then,
there were the moments that caused it to swell.
I swam in a lot of rivers,
and I hiked a whole bunch of mountains.
I hugged the biggest redwood tree I ever saw,
counted endless shooting stars as they streaked the night sky.
I got a new job, representing a company that I love.
I danced to some really good music.
I made some new friends, and I tried some new foods.
I saw my first bald eagle circle above me on a crisp fall day.
 I watched my hard work unfold as an entire city and all of it's citizens
came together for the ultimate act of kindness,
in helping a little boy's wish come true.
And so it is.
I'll plot more adventures for 2014,
but I chalk this year up to being 'pretty darn good.'
Happy Christmas.
Happy year end, friends.
xo

Snooty Tuesday, on Wednesday.

Yesterday I was in a mood. And let me tell you - not even an adorable puppy could drag me out of it. 

I wanted to punch and fling things. 

A friend and I call this the 'Snooty Tuesdays,' 

regardless of the day of the week.

And then, when someone told me I made their heart smile, 

I just felt like an asshole.

So it was by the grace of good friends, the grinning heart comment and a very thin veil of pragmatism, 

that I resisted the urge to do the following:

• Dramatically swipe all of the contents on my desk from its’ surface, sending a flurry of office supplies and energy bars into the air to the shock and bewilderment of coworkers.
• Buy a gigantic, extra-thick strawberry milkshake, remove the cover and splash it directly into a very specific person’s face.  (Basically, reenacting the scene from Grease except that this action would be premeditated on my part, not an impulsive reaction by Rizzo.)
• Smash my cell phone with a hammer with one swift blow.

(72 min. creation, by me)

I didn't do any of those things…so that’s good. 

Things I did instead:

• Re-watched a bunch of David Blaine YouTube videos from his celebrity TV special and settled on the conclusion that yes, Woody Allen probably does make his own malteds – which is adorable – and second,  that I need some DB ‘merch’ for Christmas. I proclaimed this need to the entire office. It was received with uncomfortable laughter and shifty eyes.
• Spent 72 minutes trying to figure out/remember how to insert text on top of a photo in power point. I do not know how to bill this hour and 12 minutes. It should be noted that the determination to succeed here was driven by self-serving reasons, as the project was personal and not client related.
• Invented a brand spanking new rendition of my popular workout series, “living room interval training,” where I do a bunch of weird, made-up exercises inspired by stuff I vaguely remember from my high school gym class elective: weight room. So, basically I gossiped to myself as I did calf raises and leg lifts. 

Today's better. Tomorrow's Friday.

I head home for Thanksgiving early next week. 

Things are looking up! 

Here's to smiling hearts and a weekend full of gratitude. 

xo

So Long, October

How is it already the end of October? 

I swear, time ticks by faster on the west coast. 

It's been a mix of calm and chaos - without much of a middle ground. 

Some months are like that I suppose, 

but all I wanted for fall is for things to hold steady. 

Did you know that autumn represent wisdom and maturity? 

 I don't feel either of those things at all really. 

My feelings have been mixed up all month,

 making me feel a little confused and foolish.

photo is my own

I think it's tied to the notion of letting go.

Letting go of pain points at work. 

Letting go of circumstances that don't pan out as planned.

Letting go of the questions without answers...

That's hard for me. 

I'm no good with the act of releasing.

I cling to the things that I invest in,

and fiercely 'miss' the expectations that fall flat. 

I bless and let go and then er, I take it all back and try it again. 

You can't say I'm not persistent! 

But there comes a time when one has to step forward and move on. 

In November, I'll do better. 

Have a wonderful weekend my friends. 

Enjoy these last few days of October,

 both the calm and the chaotic. 

xo

 

Chasing Sunsets

Last night, after I got home from work I had a lot on my mind. 

I could have easily sunk onto the couch 

but I needed fresh air and went out for a run.

Rather than run along the water, I decided to take the upper route through a neighborhood of big old rambling houses and sidewalks lined with trees with knotted branches and hot pink blooms.

The sky was starting to show signs of a beautiful sunset, 

and I wanted to chase it.

About halfway to the sky, I stopped to look out towards the bay and watch the clouds turn sorbet peach, pink and orange. 

A guy about my age was admiring the view too.

He was handsome. Settled in his stance. 

 He stepped towards me, explaining he had flown into San Francisco earlier that afternoon, 

but had to get to Humboldt County 

and was in need of directions to the train.

What he was doing – high above the city in this quiet, sleepy neighborhood – I don’t know. 

I talked him through his route. 

I explained that it was simple enough but would take him awhile, and dusk was quickly escaping into dark.  

His disposition was confident and kind with a soft-spoken voice.

The type of temperament that someone who relies on the guidance and help from strangers would have.  

When I told him it might take a bit of time to make his way downtown for the next leg of his journey, 

he responded that he had to walk, and that he didn't mind the dark or the cool air – his only degree of accountability was that he had to be at the next spot at six am.

And I loved him for that response.

And I envied him for his freedom to roam the open road.

Nothing to do but walk and watch and explore – 

all through the night with the simple task of getting to the next destination.

And then doing it all over again.

Happy trails to you, stranger. 

On Letting Go...

There is something recently that I am having a little difficulty letting go.

I wish I could, but I just haven't been able to fully.

I feel silly because the answer is right there and yet, 

I still read a million different meanings in the messages delievered. 

image is my own

It is troubling me, because I am not one to shake my fist at the universe.

I am deserving of more, and capable of better...

...but acceptance can be hard. 

Here's to the deliberate practice of letting go. 

xo

On Wishes

Next week, I turn another year older. 

Honestly, I blinked and a year went by.

Last year was the absolute tops - I really mean it. 

It was a sun chasing, rocky mounting climbing, perfect ten of a year. 

And so next week, with a whole new number attached to my name,

and a candle to wish upon, 

I wish for the same. 

To continue to feel too much and express too freely.

To take chances and to make choices that aren't fully thought through.

To keep my head high and my heart strong.

To speak openly, even if the truth can be a little scary.

image unknown

To work hard but play a little harder.

To pursue adventure and try new things.

To tell people when I miss them. 

To continue to hope and believe and subscribe to the notion 

that the whole wide world is on our side.

To remember that although there are times we might not get the answers we think we need,

the kind that leave us stumped and scratching our heads, 

there's a reason for that too. 

Things take time. 

Here's to another banner year, friends! 

Thank you, 

for making it so. 

xo

... To Make Everything Okay Again

When I was little and something was troubling me,
I would seek comfort outside.
Our backyard borders a pretty big forest,
and although I wouldn't go far,
I'd walk far enough to feel the coolness of the shade
 and to find a soft cushion of moss upon which to sit.
When I felt that the quiet of the woods had calmed me,
I'd turn around and head back to the house.

Something happened this past week that rattled me, big time. 

It brought on a surge of emotion: panic, angst, confusion, sadness, guilt and regret.

It stirred up some nerves that I didn't even know were there, 

deep down,
 in the core of my core.

image

And then, as the uncertainty started to uncloud, 

and the unknown began to piece together into the known,

came relief, hope and gratitude. 

A lot of the initial nerves have dissolved,
in part because I know where I am heading.
It's off to the mountains I go.
To get a little distance from the week- in both miles and memory.
To surround myself with good friends and happy thoughts.
To fill my lungs with fresh air
and to let the sun and the stars and the sierras,
make everything okay again.
xo

.