Hindsight

The past few weeks were tremendously challenging for me.
I felt like my brain had been hijacked.
I couldn't manage my thoughts, or articulate my feelings.
I couldn't possibly know, or convince myself, that things would be okay.
I couldn't find the right words to express my emotions,
and for someone who gains solace from writing,
this was probably the most frustrating challenge of all.
I'd smile and shrug and try my best to assure my friends and family
that I believed them when they'd tell me
that everything was going to work out.
I tried to convince them I accepted the notion
that when one door closes another will open.
At the time, I didn't.
But the power of hindsight is pretty incredible,
and now I can breath the deep sigh of relief
I was wishing for every night before bed.
With challenges, often come lessons.
And the exercise of looking backward
reveals the learnings of those lessons.

image is my own
On a surface level, the challenges of the past three weeks
alerted me to the changes I need to make
related to how I manage my budget,
and rebuild a nest egg, and all of that grown-up,
logistical mumbo jumbo.

But really, the more impactful revelation from weeks past is the following:
That all my gentle heart requires
is to be surrounded by people who are kind, 

who are sincere,
and who are well-intended.
That's all I ask.
And I'll do my best to make good on
weeding out the weasels from the winners; I promise.
I choose to see the good in everyone.
I believe in the benefit of the doubt- likely to a fault-
and I would never compromise that trait within me.
I'm proud of that.
But now more than ever,
I appreciate the notion that good things happen when you surround yourself with good people.
I now subscribe to this philosophy professionally,
 but this lesson also applies to my personal life.
Here's to a fresh start in February,
new adventures ahead,
and the power of hindsight.
xo

On Perspective...

A week ago, I lost my job. 

I was blindsided by the news- completely floored.

A slap in the face, a punch in the gut, a push into icy cold water- head first.

And it's taken me a full week to fumble through my clumsy thoughts,

although I am still sifting through various emotions.

Tempering my anger, calming my nerves, 

grieving the separation from a team I genuinely cared about.

I'm a worrier, that's a given. 

But rather than focus on the scary,

I want to tell the story of the support. 

Because the truth of it is, 

complaining feels a little trite.

image is my own

I live a pretty exceptional life,

 surrounded by some pretty amazing people,

in a city that has completely captured my heart. 

This past week most especially,

I feel tremendously overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and generosity 

from my colleagues, family and friends. 

It's... it's too much. Too much love. 

Too much kindness. 

Goodness knows, there have been a lot of lessons learned this week.

And there will continue to be a lot of tough days, filled with doubts.

But, in one of the most unfortunate circumstances I have faced, 

I feel like one of the most fortunate women in the world. 

And so today, 

I feel grateful.

On Resolutions

It’s been a while since I shared a tale or two. 

My, how quickly the back half of the year seemed to go.

In an instant, confetti and noise makers signaled a New Year.   

And just like that, we were all granted the chance at a do-over. 

I love the act of making resolutions.

There is something methodical and calming about listing out the actions we pledge to carry out. 

Those that will make us, maybe, a little bit kinder, or a little bit stronger.

 And while some of my resolutions are only for me, too delicate and special to share,  below are a handful of behaviors I would like to enhance in 2013.   

Here’s to continuing to do the things that you give you pleasure with the people that bring you joy.

Happy New Year, my friends.

Speak soon.

xo

image is my own; New Year's Day sunrise

• To drink more green and to read more books.
• To write more letters. And, when asking how someone is feeling, really listen to their answer.
• To recommit to cooking my meals and understanding where the foods I nourish my body with come from.
• To plan at least one epic and awesome adventure this year. Anyone for rafting the Colorado?
• To be mindful that skipping on some ‘spends’ so that I can contribute to a rainy day fund will be the best investment in myself that I make.
• To remember the feeling I have when I run. The fresh, cold air against my face, and how my legs feel strong and my heart feels fierce. To remember that feeling often, and to act on it.
• To be aware of the people around me, and when they might need a gentle nudge, a nurturing hug, or a celebratory high-five.    

Good Tidings to You

Happy Christmas! 

It is cold and crisp, but sunny where I am. 

The week leading up to the night before Christmas 

has been full of mix and mingle 

noggin' and nibbles.

It has reminded me just how wonderful 'old' can be.

Old friends. Old times. Old music and old traditions. 

Wishing you - and all the creatures in the forest -

comfort and joy this Christmas. 

image 

And as we look ahead to a New Year,

I wish each of you the power of taking chances,

the courage to think with your head, but act from your heart,

and an abundance of adventure:

 with days spent in the great outdoors

 and nights filled with shooting stars. 

May all of our days be merry and bright. 

xox

The Girl and a Wolf

I was lucky to split my time this Thanksgiving between the beach and the mountains.
That’s pretty dreamy, eh?

I was invited to a Thanksgiving feast set outdoors among rolling hills where coyote and bobcats likely roam.  

From my seat at the table I could steal glimpses of the ocean, 

and watch the sun dip away from its waltz with the sky.

The trees were treated to a chorus of our laughter throughout the night. 

For that alone, I give thanks.

With my belly full and my heart even fuller, 

I headed to the mountains where I counted fish in the lake and scouted for eagles in the trees.

I probably could’ve drank a little less, and used my brain a little more… 

but that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for.  

image is my own, Lake Tahoe

All said and done, I'd rather have a collection of stories to share, 

even if it means a little repentance in the morning.

I tuck those stories away in my back pocket for a rainy day.

You see, a few weeks back I was the girl who cried wolf.

And I feel lighter in step because of it: because of this reversal in course… but.

But there are people I care about that I think I might have let down.

And all I can offer you is this:

I will always be guilty of falling in love with places I haven’t been; with people I have yet to meet.

It’s a fickle fortune that I’ve been dealt by the universe.

And all I can hope is that you won’t fault me for it.

Because all things considered, I think it’s a pretty sacred fate.

And after months of confusion, I figure my path doesn’t need to be so clear.

I will let my heart be guided by the sun and the stars and trust that the other pieces will fall into place.

Have a happy week, my friends.

xo

A Thought. For Tuesday.

 "Don’t listen to anyone. 

Trust what gives you pleasure. 

Trust the emotions. 

If you love something but can’t explain why, that’s enough."

 -Calice Becker

image 

So very, very true. 

There are forces so much mightier in our hearts

than we may be aware of at first feel. 

Sometimes what is right... can't be articulated.

Happy Tuesday, my friends.

xo

A Case of Cold Feet

I've got a case of cold feet. 

Which is a funny phrase when you consider it, 

because I actually feel really hot and a little bit itchy and all the time sweaty these days. 

I'm confused and not sure about anything anymore.

  I thought I knew what I wanted to do.

But now I'm really not so certain. 

I came out west at a time when I was craving adventure,

longing for change,

and dreaming of a shift in pace and scenery.

San Francisco, cool as ever, 

kind of tossed these things my way, real casual and nonchalant.

Well I took the bait.

image is my own; Big Sur

And all of a sudden I feel an overwhelming

desire to live out a life of Hemingway and Kerouac proportion adventure. 

I keep getting all choked up and panicky

and on top of picking away nearly all of my left eyebrow,

I've developed a habit of scratching at an itch that doesn't even exist on my neck.

If I'm being honest,

I'd say I'm about 50/50 moving forward with this move right now.

The trouble is, it's already been decided upon.

But... I have yet to sign that transfer paper due weeks ago.

Just like a compass that has lost it's way,

my head and my heart both went kind of cloudy. 

They're trying so hard-

 to tap back into that magnetic pull,

and find a way home.

xo